Being a complicated woman who tries to deal with myself honestly, it wasn’t a surprise to me that a lot of what Charlotte Shane has to say in her memoir about sex work is stuff I’ve already thought about. Honestly, it’s stuff that most, if not all, thoughtful non-sex-worker-exclusionary feminists have grappled with too. At the heart of the issue, ofc, is the role of marriage in a patriarchal society, and how the concepts of sex and fidelity are deeply bound to it within those structures.
Ms Shane examines these concepts through the lens of her own time as a sex worker, and what led her to choose it as a profession. Unsurprisingly, there is a terrible father in her background. More intriguingly is the relatively good luck she’s had with men otherwise, from the boys she befriended and messed around with in high school, to the clientele she cultivated (or blocked when they behaved badly) as her career grew and changed from cam girl to exotic masseuse to escort.
Tho she’s undoubtedly undergone some unpleasant encounters with awful men, what’s most striking about her account is how the stories from her professional life mirror the love lives of modern women who don’t have purely transactional relationships with men. While she doesn’t congratulate herself on how she’s at least made money off of experiences that have left most women with, at best, bittersweet memories — she does an excellent job of evading anything even remotely close to smugness throughout, thank goodness — it’s impossible to read her book and not feel like women who aren’t sex workers too easily give away their time and care and emotions to men who just aren’t worth it.
At the heart of this injustice is the assumption that emotional labor is something that women should provide for the men in their lives regardless of what they receive in return. In her memoir, Ms Shane is clear-eyed about what she gets out of the company of the men she chooses to spend time with, before and after embarking on her career path. It’s honestly refreshing. Relationships should always have give and take, and even when both parties aren’t sure of what they really want, they should always strive to treat each other fairly, as the author and most of her men in this book do.